Tuesday, March 13, 2012

10 Reasons Why 'Star Wars' Has Worn Out Its Welcome With Me And What I'm Going To Do About It, Part 1

This has to go on record as the longest blog post title I have ever written.

And the most hate mail I will receive after it’s publication.

(I’m already prepared to dodge flying tomatoes.)

– Ahem –

Reason #1: Hearing ‘Star Wars’ episodes played through all day for two days straight in the room next door can get to ya. You can’t see anything, but you can hear voices……raspy voices…cocky voices…robotic voices…ventilated voices…

Reason #2: I’ve only seen #’s 1 and 2 (which I’ve been told are really 4 and 5 because of someone’s hair-brained idea to write 3 prequels after the original and sequel and finale were written, which means either someone thought they were brilliant in hiding hidden facts from the first films–which are really the last films–only to later reveal them in the last films–which are really the first films–OR, they’re really stupid and didn’t think through the beginning of the story and just jumped right in the middle without a beginning or end like a lot of novelists do with their slew of unfinished books; OR they had a great story line all along, but nobody thought it was really good enough to make the box office hits list and so created the best part of the story first, leaving only room in later years to go down hill like is the destiny of all sequels), and it’s been at least a year or so since I last left Han Solo frozen, which tells me the movie’s not captivating enough to discover what happens, or too predictable and therefore unnecessary to watch, or Han Solo isn’t heroic enough for me to desire to save him. (All you adoring Han Solo fans can faint now, but I’m not going to catch you.)

Reason #3: I hate Chewbaca. He groans, he moans, he whines, and has no lines! Need I say any more?

Reason #4: I’m pretty positive that, if I were to continue watching the series, there would be other creatures I would abhor nearly as much as Chewy. I’ve caught glimpses of some sort of slimy, soggy slug. So I’m saving myself the grief (and you the horror.)

Reason #5: I’m a rebel. Whatever is popular I must boycott. That’s why I avoid Wal-mart, never drink lattes, and don’t believe in Santa Claus.

Reason #6: I grew up with an English-minor-grammar-fanatic as a mother, so naturally I simply cannot put up with sentences like “Stop him you must”.

Reason #7: I think ‘Star Wars’ started the sci-fi frenzy, or at least 95% of it, and I’m not a fan of sci-fi, or of sci-fi films that distract my friends from real life conversations. And I could be wrong on that statistic, but I don’t keep up with sci-fi statistics, cause like I said, I’m not a fan of sci-fi. Just of my friends.

Reason #8: It’s contagious, and once you catch the bug, you’re maimed for life. I hear the force is strong, so I’m keeping my distance. Besides, there’s all kinds of evil influences. (It’s slowly infesting my younger sister and–horror upon horrors–is drawing her to the dark side!) It teaches arrogance and lack of responsibility by screaming “It’s not my fault!” when of course it is. And, it encourages young boys to scream “NOO!” to their father and deny them their destiny!

Reason #9: The only amazing thing of the whole series (and this is undeniable) is the film score. I would say it’s the best John William’s composed, but all of his scores are the best. So why would you watch 12-something hours of strange space creatures, egotistical males, strong-willed princesses, and buzzing light sabers when all you have to do is pop in the soundtrack on your drive to work?

Reason #10: Every film should have a chance to reach its peak of popularity and enjoy being on top if it deserves it…but trying to force that for the 2nd time (did I just say force?), and 3rd, and 4th, and 5th, and 6th…is a little, well, out of this world. It’s like reaching for the stars 5 times too many. But that’s not really my reason #10. Reason #10 is that they have the audacity to start it all over but this time in 3D! Talk about in your face!

No, not the tomatoes!

No comments:

Post a Comment